Right after launching this new section of daily celebration of all the things in life, I had to take a huge break from the blog. I’d summon personal matters and an overload of school papers and research to back me up on this. While it may have appeared incoherent, I actually needed to take this break from this platform that is my blog. And on Honesty Day, April 30, I wish to open up to you guys about that.
There have been ups and downs. On up days, inspiration would try to leave my body through all my pores. The contents that I would produce would not only be meaningful to me, but also to some of you – comments on social medias, messages from friends or even references to one of my posts in a conversation are the best rewards a blogger or writer can receive. On down days, I would sit in front of Pages with a disability: that of not putting ideas into words, into a story. Because the more I grow with this blog, the more I tend to think of it not as your regular Zara or Mac haul blog. But as a source that one can reach out to when in need of discussing the fashion and beauty industry. When in need of fun and witty stories and writing. That is at least what I want this place to be.
And I know that I’ve failed so far. I’ve failed you, but most importantly I’ve failed myself. And today, on Honesty Day, I have to unveil the news: I am far from being satisfied with what I’m offering you. There are so many stories that I want to tell, so many subjects that I want to confront. Is is fear that is holding me back? It surely has a part in this play. The fear of not being able to translate my ideas, the fear of being misread, or the fear of a future when I may not be willing to stand for the same manifest? All of them. This fear grows exponentially with my ability to remain honest to myself in the (more) real life.
At 25, after living in two environments of highly hypocritical air (Seoul and where I live right now, Saint-Etienne/Lyon), I more than ever believe that being true to yourself is the key to growing up sane. And in a climate of presidential elections where far-left electors are likely to vote far-right just because their little pride (read: Eiffel Tower-big) was hurt in the process, this seems to be an idea that fades away in the minds that surround me. How sad, you can imagine. What I do is that I start with honesty towards myself, something that is harder I think than honesty towards others, but which leads to it. And it helps so much. To understand who I am, to deal with my mood swings and the elevator that goes up to my throat, down through my spine sometimes on a daily basis. I struggle with insecurities and lack of confidence. And a void. Oh, the void. How deep is your void, is what the Bee Gees should have sung if you ask me. This void is regularly filled – usually by shopping and food, or moments with loved ones – but just as Gluttony in the Japanese series Fullmetal Alchemist (a must-see analogy on World War II and political schemes, by the way) which embodies the deadly sin of, well, gluttony, it’s always very temporary. The only breaks that I could find the past fews years are Paris and Japan.
Every year I set a goal for myself. It can be a professional goal, or a personal goal. What they have in common is that they get me going with the promise that the void will finally be filled when I will reach the final line. On the other hand, Erwin Blumenfeld once suggested that this very void was the trigger to his groundbreaking creativity and art. A message of hope from the grave of one of my favorite fashion photographers ever… who ended up committing suicide. But don’t worry, this is no tape and there are not thirteen of them. And by writing these words, I realize that all I want is for my void to be a safe tank for authenticity and a volcano of creativity.
I am not a great writer, but I don’t do bad either. I had a bit of a career (let’s call a year and a half ‘a bit of a career’) in writing as an editor and I liked it. I know that I could get back onto that game and that my lack of confidence is the only component of my reluctance. Today, I promise myself that unlocking the ‘’Confidence’’ door in this castle of my soul will add substance and meaning to my goal this year. And I promise you, readers old and new, that this blog is going to grow alongside me and that we will meet you more regularly.
Thank you for reading this long-ass post. I hope you forgive me. I would love to discuss how you approach honesty in your daily life, how you deal with insecurities and lack of inspiration. Let’s grow all together and build an even more solid community.
Photo is by Hao-Chen Peng, which you can check out on Instagram just here. The look will be featured and analyzed in an upcoming post. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog to make sure that you receive notifications for the next stories. I’ll see you on Instagram.